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CHAPTER 3: Sammy was right; I did drink too much, but I didn’t give a damn. I needed to drink and to drink often. And why the hell not, John Daniels loved me. I wonder what they’d named the baby. I wondered if it were a boy or a girl. I guess it didn’t matter; I’d never be meeting it—him, her.It was strange it was. I couldn’t get the kid out of my mind. I couldn’t get the two of them out of my mind either. The way they’d done me. Was I jealous even after a year? I guess I was and bitter too. I needed my woman. The kid should’ve been mine. My best friend? Well, fuck him!Work was a pain. I hated my job, my nothing job. Well, maybe it wasn’t such a nothing job, just not the kind of job that meant anything to my gold digger ex-wife. I wondered if they ever thought about me. Probably did. Likely felt sorry for me. That was why the two of them had tried to get me to be friends again I supposed. Friends with my own wife, ex-wife! Would’ve been a first. Maybe one for Guinness.At any rate, drinking was good, very good. And Marie and Jackie loved me. They were my friends. I’d talked to them a lot, maybe more than even Sammy. Hmm, well it was close that one. I did talk to Sammy a ton; Sammy understood my pain, and he did sympathize, sometimes too much.“Let’s get a booth,” said Sammy and Henry coming up to me and nudging me off of my stool.“Shit, Sammy, you scared the heck outta me,” I said.“Come on, sport,” said Henry. “The seats are better over there.” I shrugged, picked up my JD and followed them over to the line of booths against the far wall that bordered the smallish dance floor.I plopped down on the padded bench to the right; my buds took the one across from me.“You guys interrupted what was working out to be a perfectly good evening of depression,” I said, not exactly smirking when I said it.“Yeah, well, what the hey, we’re here to make your evening even more of a downer,” said Sammy.“Yeah, well thank you for that,” I said.“Let me interrupt this truly wonderful moment of morbidity,” said Henry.I tilted my glass indicating he should feel free.“Jimmy, you’ve gotta stop being late so much at work. Charlie’s been cutting you some slack these past months because he knows how hard your breakup with Claire has been on you. He went through the same thing and completely understands, but his boss is starting to ride him. Anyway, that’s why we are both here tonight,” said Henry.“Hmm, passing along the message, that it?” I said. Sammy nodded.“Yeah kinda,” said Henry.“Okay, message received,” I said.“There’s something else,” said Sammy.“Something else?” I said.“Yeah, Colleen saw your ex again the other day. She came in with her daughter for the kid’s periodic checkup I guess. Anyway that’s what Colleen said,” said Sammy. I looked down.“Daughter?” I said. I’d wondered since I’d heard they’d had a kid whether it was a boy or a girl; now I knew.“Yeah, a little girl,” said Sammy.“She shoulda been mine,” I whispered. “She’d be what now, maybe a year old?”“Jim, I’ll say it again, you’ve gotta get over her, them. There’s a woman out there just waiting for you to make her day. But no woman wants a guy with the baggage you’ve been carrying around,” said Henry.I nodded, I knew he was right, but that didn’t change my mood an iota. “Yeah, I know,” I said. I took another sip of my JD.The conversation turned to other topics over the next while. I guess I was paying attention. Every once in a while one or the other of my buds would laugh or slap one the other on the back. I smiled a lot, I was sure of that much. I contributed the truth that my USC Trojans were better than Henry’s Texas Longhorns; well, he was originally from Amarillo, so I guess he had no choice.We got out of there, the Crossroads, at a bit past midnight and it was Friday night, actually Saturday morning now. I had my car, but I decided to walk home, again. One, I was seriously drunk; and two, I needed to think and walking did that for me. Hell, it was only four miles.An hour and a half later I tried my key; it still worked. There’s an upside to everything.I hated the idea of being around the woman, but at the same time, I needed to be, was desperate to be. What the hell was that about! I sure as hell didn’t know. I resigned myself to another night of being alone and lonely and desperate for a woman’s touch, a woman’s love. I needed those badly and I had no hope of getting any. Well, I had no hope of getting any from the woman I most wanted to get them from.Sammy and Henry’s words came back to me. Go find me another fish in the sea? Maybe, I guess I had to try. Living like I was twern’t good, no good for anything or anybody. Yeah, I guess I had to make the effort. Who knows maybe down the line I’d have me a daughter or son of my own; wouldn’t that be the cat’s meow! I wonder what the two of them would think of that. I snickered, even though nobody was around to see me snicker, probably look down on me and mine; that was the probable answer to that question.******I’d just gotten done delivering a load to Franklin’s Super Store, a grocery outlet with sixteen locations throughout the state; it was actually near my apartment at the Randall, maybe half a mile away.I was sitting down at Mary’s Diner across the street from the drop when he pulled up a chair across from me. I hadn’t even gotten my corned beef yet, and the sonovabitch was sitting across from me staring; well, I thought he was staring.“And just what the fuck does my Escort Pendik worst enemy in the whole world want now. And how the fuck did you know where to find me!” I said.“In reverse order: I happened to be here for lunch too; pure coincidence. As for being your worst enemy, I’m not, you are,” he said.”Hmm, I don’t believe your number one, and I sure as hell differ with you per your number two. So, now that we’ve settled those matters you can fucking leave. I need to eat and I need to make a living and you’re standing in the way of both,” I said.“Look, Jim, let’s talk a bit. Would that be all right? I’m not here to cause you any trouble or grief. Really I’m not,” he said.For whatever reason, I shrugged; it was shrug tinged with bitterness, and I’m sure he got the message, but it was a shrug nevertheless. “Get to it,” I said.The man across from me sighed, as well he might. “Would it be all right if I bought me a cup of coffee?” he said.“Yeah, but don’t plan on staying long. I really don’t feel good about you being here coincidence or not,” I said. He signaled the waitress who was just passing by.My lunch arrived at the same time as his coffee. How fucking timely, I thought.“We miss you, Jim. I know it sounds self-serving, but it’s the truth. And by we, I do mean the both of us. Yeah, me and Claire screwed up. But . . .” he said and paused.“But?” I said.“Jim don’t take this wrong. But Claire and I were meant to be together. You got there first and put in your bid. She was ready to be married and she, all too quickly, said yes; and then you were married, and you were my best friend, and I planned to stay the hell outta the way but . . . Then you two got back from your honeymoon and she was so beautiful, and well, I put a move on her.“It turned out she wanted me too, Jim. Weird ass as it seems she wanted the both of us. She and I made a pact. I’d get to have her sometimes, and I’d be there to cover the both of you financially and such . . .”“What the fuck!” I said.“Let me finish, please,” he said. For the life of me I shut up for the moment, and no, I don’t know why. I shut up, but I could feel my face twitching in anger at the very sound of his condescending voice, attitude.“Yes, we made a deal to play on the side and be all one big happy family and all of that. You’d get to be married to her and be there twenty-four-seven, and I’d be there in the wings in case either of you ever needed anything. And, if you had children, I’d have been their godfather, and well, that’s pretty much it except for one thing,” he said.“Huh? What one thing?” I said.“Well, this meetup, and it is a coincidence, is kind of fortuitous,” he said.“Fortuitous? What? What are you talking about?” I said.“Jim, I don’t know if you know it or not—we’ve been apart for more than a year now—but Claire and I have a daughter. Rebecca is her name. We’ve decided to have her baptized. We’d be honored if you would be willing to be her godfather. I mean for real, my friend,” he said.I stared at him for a long moment. “Huh?” I said.“It would be a real thing for us, not just some ceremonial thing if you know what I mean.“We want you in our lives, Jim. The both of us want you in our lives. Claire especially wants to make good by you,” he said.“Yeah, but you’ll still be in her bed and I’d still have my cold sheets to comfort me at night,” I said. “No, it won’t work. Some of the bitterness at what the two of you have done to me has faded, but the hurt and the emotional scars will likely never go away, not entirely no matter how much time goes by.“In case there is any doubt in your mind ex-best friend, I still want and need my woman, the woman who is now your woman. And, I need her to be a one man woman. But, I can’t ever have her again and I know it. And the realization of that makes it all but impossible for me to even look at another woman, or, be around my woman, Claire. She was and always will be my all, my everything, my irreplaceable life’s love.“So go back to her and sleep with her and, when you do, think of me wishing it was me. I want you to do that. And for that and for that alone I am so glad you happened to just coincidentally bump into me today. It was worth seeing you just so I could deliver that message. Yes, it was,” I said.“Jimmy, you gotta cut me and Claire some slack. If not today, sooner or later you just have to. And, as for you not being able to be around other women, that’s just plain crazy. You’re a good lookin’ guy with prospects and friends and a good heart. Yes, a heart that Claire and I broke. We are fully aware of that. But you need to get it together and find that special girl the one that will make you forget your Claire and be your new heart’s delight.“Anyway, when you’re ready please . . .” he said, leaving his meaning clear but hanging in the air.“No,” I said. He nodded, rose, and left. I think he was breaking up. I’d finally made an impact.******Sammy, as stated before, had been more than happy to inform me, and that more than once, that I’d been drinking too much. But, after my meet up with my ex-best friend Rodney Pollard, I began to drink at truly Olympian levels. Yes indeed, if drinking were an Olympic sport, I would have been more than a candidate for a gold medal.And, my venue of choice, you guessed it, the Crossroads. Well, it had a certain sentimental allure for me.The problem of thinking is that it is not always possible to not think Beykoz escort of the things one doesn’t want to think about. Trust me on that one; I know it as a great truth.I was musing, which is another word for thinking, about what Sammy and Henry had said about finding me another fish in the sea to make my day. Similarly, I was musing about my recent—two days gone—run in with my worst enemy which had done nothing for me except remind me that I had no one to love and nothing I really gave a damn about. One might appreciate how the two musings complemented each the other.I was nervous and not too drunk, not yet. I was going to go for it. I was going to ask a lady in attendance to dance. And, if I wasn’t turned down, I was going to ask the lady for a date. Did I say I was nervous? Well, I should have if I didn’t.I hadn’t been part of the dating scene in some six years. The year when I first met and courted and married Claire; and, the nearly two, almost three, years now since our breakup. I was not quite twenty-nine years old, so that was a good thing, right? I wasn’t fat, a little on the short side at five-six, but okay looking for all of that, and I could dance pretty good. I knew for a fact I was a better dancer than my ex-best friend ever was: at six-three he was too tall to ever be all that good a dancer. The thought made me smile.I perused the crowd. Most of the women were with guys, but a few were just hanging out like me. Well, maybe not exactly like me. I pushed my JD back an inch or two from me and made to walk over to a girl, woman, sitting at a table by herself. She was nice looking though a little on the chunky side, not fat, just, well, chunky.She looked up when I approached her. “Miss would I be out of line to ask you to dance?” I said. I was forcing myself to smile. She looked me over, not too critically.“I’m not into dancing tonight. Sorry,” she said. She went back to studying her wine essentially dismissing me. I went back to the bar my tail firmly cached between my legs.A couple of sips later, I’d gotten up enough courage to make another foray among the unescorted ladies in attendance.She was actually at the bar only a few stools away from my own. She was talking not too seriously to Marie who was handling counter duty at that moment while Jackie was touring the booths and tables that flanked the dance floor.I slid off my stool and went over to them.“Hi ladies,” I said. “Marie, I was wondering if I might ask your friend if she’d like to dance.” I cast my glance on the tallish and slender woman across from her.Like the first of my trial balloons, the woman appraised me, smiled and shook her head. “Not right now,” she said, “maybe another time.”“Oh, okay,” I said, “for sure, another time.” Once again with my tail planted firmly where it had been since my first turn down, I headed back for my station. I did notice the two women, Marie, and her conversation mate, talking animatedly after I made my departure from their presence.Well, no balls and two strikes. I decided not to imitate Casey and just leave things at strike two. A third strike would definitely have left no joy in Mudville, not that there was any joy in evidence now!******I was only twenty minutes late, but “the man” called me into the office anyway. I really didn’t need this.“Jimmy, I know you’ve had a hard time: I mean the divorce and adjusting and everything, and you have to admit that I’ve been pretty understanding about your problem. But Jim, the boss is on my case about attendance and tardies. You’re not the only one, but you are number one when it comes to tardies. You’ve got to cure that problem and you’ve got to do it now. Jim, if not, you’re gonna be gone. I can’t say it any plainer than that,” said Charlie.“Okay, boss, I get it. Things’ll be different from now on,” I said.“Okay, good. Go ahead on then and let’s get this stuff delivered,” he said.I was sealing the doors on my rig when Sammy came up to me. “Boss give you shit this morning,” said Sammy.“Nah, not really. Just told me to not be tardy anymore,” I said. My bud nodded.“Okay, you gonna be at the usual place tonight?” he said.“Yeah, I guess,” I said.I had to get my act together. I was putting Charlie on the spot. The problem was I wasn’t sure that I could get my act together. It was my drinkin’ that was the problem. Stop drinking? Not happening. But I knew I had to do something. Hell if I lost my job I wouldn’t have any money to pay for my drinkin’, helluva situation that. It was definitely a case of damned if I did and damned if I didn’t!******I’d actually gotten done with my runs early, an hour early. Charlie looked happy. Of course, I hadn’t stopped for lunch which of course was the cause of the early finish to my day. Now if I could only manage to get outta bed in the morning and into the yard before Charlie, who I knew would be antsy and monitoring things. That was gonna be a challenge.My talk with Charlie and the pressure, and it was pressure, from my buds at Allied got me off and on. I began to get to work on time, and I was drinking less. Charlie was happy, my buds were happy, I was less unhappy; and, I was planning on taking another shot at finding me a woman, any woman, to connect with. I mean if she was under a hundred-years-old and could stand to be around me I’d be good to go. I just needed a female to be with me at night. Yeah, nights, nights were the worst; well, they Cevizli escort bayan were for me.I was once again musing, but this time I was musing while I was delivering yet another load to Franklin’s. The boss had put Franklin’s on my run whenever he could because it was close to my apartment. Convenience, that was the name of the game for me, I appreciated Charlie helping me out like that. I could arrange my deliveries on those days so that I could eat lunch at home; hey, it saved me some money, and I could catch the news on the Randall Arms gratis supplied TV.The manager at Franklin’s had just signed off on the delivery, and I was in the produce aisle getting stuff I needed for the week; it would save me making a special trip after work. Her cart actually bumped into mine. I looked up to apologize but the words stuck in my throat.It had been more than a year since the coincidence of bumping into my used to be best friend. Here was another one, another coincidence.“Claire!” I squeaked, finally.“Jimmy!” she mouthed. “Jimmy, this is a pure coincidence, really.”The family Pollard sure was into coincidences, I thought.“Yeah, like I believe that,” I said, sounding no doubt a little bit snide.“Jimmy, I come here all of the time. We live near here now, maybe a mile and a half up the road, at the Crown Towers,” she said. “It’s just a coincidence. I know you don’t want us coming around you, so we haven’t. It’s just a coincidence.”Ironically this time I believed the Pollard representative. If they lived nearby, maybe me bumping into the bad guy a year gone did make sense, I mean bumping into him at Mary’s.“I see, well fine. Have a nice day,” I said, making to get out of there.I pushed my cart rather hurriedly up the aisle to the row of registers at the front before she could say anything else. Man, I sure didn’t need to be reminded of how much I missed the woman. My dreams on this night were not going to be good.I paid and was pushing my cart out the entrance when she came up to me just as I got outside.“Jimmy, Mary’s across the street?” she said, nodding toward the diner’s entrance.“Mary’s?” I said.“Yes, Jim, I’d like to talk to you if you would please,” she said. I didn’t answer her immediately; I just stared for a long moment. I nodded.I loaded the two grocery bags I had in my car and walked across to the diner. Jesus, I knew this was not going to go well, but like an addict with no sense, I followed the piper.She’d beaten me in the door but not by much; well, I had stopped to put the bags of groceries in my car. The waitress came up to us.“Table for two?” she said.“Yes,” said Claire. She led us to a table near the window and put menus in front of us, and disappeared back into the kitchen.“How are you doing, Jim?” said Claire.“Don’t know,” I said. “I’m feeling very uncomfortable right now. I don’t know why I agreed to come here with you.” She nodded.“There’s no reason to feel uncomfortable, Jimmy. I still have feelings for you. And yes, I know you still have feelings for me. We’ve have moved on the both of us, but we still have history and a lot of it is good. Okay?” she said.“Whatever,” I said. “So, why this sit-down?”“No reason really. I can see you’re working. It’s just nice running into you like this. But again, are you doing okay?” she said.“Just working and getting by. Nothing to tell that you’d be interested in,” I said.“I would be interested, Jim. It’s been a long time since we’ve talked. I was hoping just now, I mean since we bumped into each other over there,” she nodded toward the store across the street, “that maybe we could see if there might be any chance to find a little bit of common ground.”“Can’t see the usefulness in any of that,” I said.“Jimmy, we were married for three years. And yes, we’re divorced now, but like I said, I still have feelings for you and would like us to be friends still, trite as that sounds,” she said.“I still love and miss you, Claire, and my dreams are actually nightmares of him and you in bed together and me alone forgotten and rotting. Finding common ground whatever that means would be a real hard nut for me. Well, you can imagine,” I said.“Jimmy, you’ve got to find yourself another woman. It’s what you need; I know that. And there is no doubt in my mind that you know it too,” she said.“I tried to find me another woman, Claire, no other woman wants me,” I said. Okay I was whining, and, having been turned down for dances by two women maybe didn’t exactly equate to me trying to find a replacement for the woman across from me; but it’s the only ammunition I had at the moment.“Jimmy, frankly that’s bullshit. You could not have been trying to find a woman, not seriously or you would have. You have a lot to offer and you’re a good looking cuss at the least of it,” she said.I decided to change the subject. “Do you love him, Claire? I mean more than you ever did me?” I said.“I love him as much as I loved you, and love you, Jimmy. He’s very different than you, but that doesn’t mean he was or is better than you. I see and saw the both of you as equal,” she said. “That hasn’t changed and probably never will. One thing he does have on you, though, Jimmy, is a willingness to compromise to work things out. We do talk about you some, not a lot, but some. The both of us keep hoping that you’ll get off and on and come back to us.”“My nights are too lonely for any compromise. Because we met today, I will be thinking about you tonight, and him, and for many more nights until the memory fades a little and I can be alone again without crying in my beer like some high school kid,” I said, putting it all out there.“Goddamn, it Jimmy! Find yourself a woman and do it now! You need it, and to tell the truth ‘I’ need you to do it.